Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
You Might Also Like
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend