Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
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Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”