Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
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[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
can’t bark with your mouth full
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
OKAY DAD
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.