Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
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Throwing a Don’t Kill Yourself Dinner Party where everyone brings a dish so delicious that we remember why life is worth living
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
All food is good if you spell it wrong
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero