Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy

10yo: How do you make a math book happy?

Me: IDK. How?

10yo: Solve the problems.

Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.

Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…

I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.

YES

YES

YES

YES

YES

-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that