Employees must applaud the planets.
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ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did