Employees must applaud the planets.
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What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
*3.5 thank you very much.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
