Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
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Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken