employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
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– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Holy moly
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.