Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’

Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart

Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.

How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.

It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up

everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money

Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.

Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.

Wife: *fans herself*

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

Jesus: one of you will betray me

Judas: *surprised pikachu face*

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied