employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
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I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
💀💀💀💀
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.