employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
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[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
That’s what I call a flat tire
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.