Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
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(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.