Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
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my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’