EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
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My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
A tragic love story in two pictures.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible