EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
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My safe word is Worcestershire
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?