Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

No, I don’t think I will.

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

What if death gives you lemons?
What then??

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings

Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.