Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.

“Bartender, there’s a hair on my ice cube!”

“You should have asked for shaved ice.”

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it

google: we’re doing this again?

Not to brag but I’ve stuck to my diet for the entire month of January.

Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.

Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.

Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon