Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you religious?”

Bro I don’t even believe in myself

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

Me: do you like my new hairstyle?

17: oh – did you do that on purpose?

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.

How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

Me: One last time for old times’ sake?

Broken washer: No.

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

*Slides down your chimney*

*Straightens all your pictures*

No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.

😂🖐️

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old: The dog.

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

our love story in four pictures

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!