employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
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My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
“I wouldn’t.”
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
synchronized noseblowing
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.