Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
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[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I am, perchance
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Meanwhile in Canada…
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’