Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*

if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.