employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
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it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?