Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.

I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.

[Kanye at pharmacy]

*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*

No one man should have all that powder!

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.

Hey i am sexy to you now

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

My current situation

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.

I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

Never be a pizza!

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.