[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
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Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
2023 was just a warmup
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”