Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell

1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”

Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!

Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.

(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

It’s the weekend y’all

I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*