[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
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Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Bond. Trauma bond.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground