EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
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I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
me: you know what I need?
body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?
me: another coffee.
body: you mother fu-
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.