Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣

My beach vacation Google searches

I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.

My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!

My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.

Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.

most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.

Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”

6:*writing thank you card* But, um..

Me: Write it!

Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is

[laying on the office couch]

Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”

Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”

“Wanna feel old..?”

No. Next question.

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

No one

An atheist: I am an atheist btw

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box