EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
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Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
A dad and his duck
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I cannot call her anything else now
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.