EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
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I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Still cracks me up
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras