EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
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Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Wow 🤣
Lol.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.