EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
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I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book