@Browtweaten

EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back

Dad: I was just resting my eyes

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@LizHackett

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

@50NerdsofGrey

‘I’ve been a very bad girl,’ she said, biting her lip. ‘I need to be punished.’
‘Very well,’ he said and installed Windows 10 on her laptop.

@bingowings14

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

@somelightcrying

DUDE: first of all

ME: oh shit this dude’s about to make more than one point

@TheTalkingPipe

Make a friend today. Give a complete stranger a big, long hug. If they happen to get mad, tell the police a guy on twitter said you could.

@paulbarbar_II

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

@dafloydsta

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

@iwearaonesie

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

@roxiqt

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.