Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
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‘I’ve been a very bad girl,’ she said, biting her lip. ‘I need to be punished.’
‘Very well,’ he said and installed Windows 10 on her laptop.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
DUDE: first of all
ME: oh shit this dude’s about to make more than one point
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Make a friend today. Give a complete stranger a big, long hug. If they happen to get mad, tell the police a guy on twitter said you could.
Things that don’t exist:
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.