EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
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When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
If you are reading this then you are reading this
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?