Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.

The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.

Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.

i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.

Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.