EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
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Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
