EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
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7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.