EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
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Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
I never needed anything more in my life
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My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!