Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
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I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
absolute chaos
Good morning, Twitter x
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I am HOWLING at this
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.