MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
ME: I am SO sorry
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
You Might Also Like
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Everybody loves saying “check on your friends!” without acknowledging that it is often hard and risky and difficult not to come off like “hey dude! Saw you acting nuts, thought I’d be your dad about it!”
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
*Spoiler Alert* Siamese cats are just one cat, not two cats in one.
Anytime my 6 yr old daughter replies with ‘What?’, there’s always that split second where I fight my urge to start quoting Pulp Fiction.