@heatherlou_

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

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@cepheusjackson

MUGGER: Empty your pockets!

ME: But these are cargo shorts.

(45 min later)

ME: That’s the left one

MUGGER: Seriously.

ME: I am SO sorry

@MariyaAlexander

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

@negaversace

Everybody loves saying “check on your friends!” without acknowledging that it is often hard and risky and difficult not to come off like “hey dude! Saw you acting nuts, thought I’d be your dad about it!”

@brian_bilston

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

@kyry5

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

@Havish_AF

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

@UnFitz

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

@leannuh

Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.

Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.

Wow you’re fast.

@TashyP_

Anytime my 6 yr old daughter replies with ‘What?’, there’s always that split second where I fight my urge to start quoting Pulp Fiction.