Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
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CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom