Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
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*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
My beach vacation Google searches
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
damn he’s good
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.