Encore…
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After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
U talkin 2 me?
somewhere, in an alternate universe
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles