Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.

Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens

My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss

There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.