Encore…
You Might Also Like
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
my mind
You just read my mind
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.