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My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.