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“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
always be there
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
went fishing caught a bass
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?