You Might Also Like
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me