Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

Thrilling chase underway

I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.

Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

Happiness is…

finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.

as is their right

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

You do you.

I’m gonna do me.

*married sex

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.