Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.

Who said parenting can’t be fun?

What if the weather talks about us?

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.

A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?

Wife:

Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.

People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

Well, shit

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store