[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
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Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
real
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.