End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
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If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Greeting humans vs their dogs
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Help
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”