@JasonLastname

End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face

End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face

- @JasonLastname

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@klainey01

My 5th grader is one eye roll away from being listed on eBay this morning.

@TheRealNickKay

[MURDER TRIAL]

JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?

MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.

@DevilryFun

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

@_ElvishPresley_

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

@iLikeCatShirts

Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.

@Ellierocks2013

Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people.we haven’t met yet.