End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
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I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
This a good idea
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.