End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
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Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”