End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
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What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
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My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
More like Kate Missington.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot