End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
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What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out