Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

😭😭

LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.

If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear

[Invention of Tennis]

“…and you just try to hit it back to me”

Wow, that’s really simple

“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”

For sure that’s the best part about it

“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”

Exactly! No weird stuff

“Yeah”

So how do you keep score?

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?

It fired boohlets.

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

February 27th, 2020.

I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.

Never give up on your dreams, kids.

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

Whoa look at the moon it’s huge!

Phone camera: lol is it?

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.

Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.