End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
You Might Also Like
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
*updates tinder bio*
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
damn he’s good
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep