Green is just blue that someone peed in
You Might Also Like
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
cats when you pet them too long:
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight