Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners

imagine getting destroyed like this

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”

HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry

Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.

Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

“Remember Robert from work?”

Yeah..he was a douche.

“He died.”

WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know

C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible

You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.

having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head

Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you