[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
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the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about