@mrjohndarby

[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

@jenlaw_11

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

@elunatyk

I am taking a vow of celibacy. I will not have any sex until somebody is willing to have sex with me. I stand firm on this.

@CraigBanksArt

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

@archerenemy

After 2 divorces, I gave up on that ‘dream girl’ shit long ago.

At this point, if she has no outstanding warrants, I’ll talk to her…

@fro_vo

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

@iSamJack

Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of
their life, has never had two candy bars
fall down at once from a vending
machine.

@AndrewNadeau0

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

@Contwixt

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

@tweetsbyrocket

me: when can i get on the barbell

gym guy: sorry it’s a long wait

me: i know what it is