[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

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[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?


“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant


Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”


just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete


The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.


Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you


Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week


Teacher- “How much is a gram?” Me- “Depends on what you want” Teacher- “Out, just get out”


Gf: come over
Me: can’t, playing the new call of duty
Gf: my parents are out of town
Me: you’re 30 years old, grow up