@mrjohndarby

[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

You Might Also Like

@Home_Halfway

ROSE: I’ll never let go Jack

JACK: You have room

ROSE: I’ll never let go

JACK: You’re in a sailboat

ROSE: Goodbye Jack

JACK: You have a cooler of beer on deck

ROSE:

JACK: The boat has a living room

ROSE:

JACK:

ROSE: Dude can’t you just take a hint

@AimeeHelene1

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

@asherperlman

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: one more

me: *click*

ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!

@TragicAllyHere

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

@SteveKoehler22

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

@singwithTaffy

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

@LindaInDisguise

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.

@GianDoh

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

@Popehat

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

@JohnLyonTweets

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.