@mrjohndarby

[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

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@SteveSuckington

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

@theshantilly

“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant

@SCbchbum

Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”

@iamspacegirl

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

@MomOnFire

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

@a_simpl_man

Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you

@Smooheed

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

@ZWindsor_

Teacher- “How much is a gram?” Me- “Depends on what you want” Teacher- “Out, just get out”

@DaddyJew

Gf: come over
Me: can’t, playing the new call of duty
Gf: my parents are out of town
Me: you’re 30 years old, grow up