[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

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[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab


Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.


I am taking a vow of celibacy. I will not have any sex until somebody is willing to have sex with me. I stand firm on this.


Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon


After 2 divorces, I gave up on that ‘dream girl’ shit long ago.

At this point, if she has no outstanding warrants, I’ll talk to her…


SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
CAESAR: say 15th then


Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of
their life, has never had two candy bars
fall down at once from a vending


{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.


I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.


me: when can i get on the barbell

gym guy: sorry it’s a long wait

me: i know what it is