Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.

I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.

Him: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.

Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”

Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”

My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.

Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…

If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.