@XplodingUnicorn

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

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@lazerdoov

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

@Dawn_M_

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

@daemonic3

[gf comes home after spray tanning]

Hey, orange you looking good!

“Thanks”

Anytime, pumpkin!

“You’re sweet”

You’re one in vermillion!

@BberrySurprise

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

@ashleyaustrew

“I don’t know the government, and I’m not giving them any of my coins.” – my 4yo after I explained taxes

@prufrockluvsong

my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*

me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT

@lazerdoov

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

@Okeating

My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.