*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him: Which half?
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I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
You’re one in vermillion!
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
“I don’t know the government, and I’m not giving them any of my coins.” – my 4yo after I explained taxes
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.