[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
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A drum solo but on your face.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.