I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him: Which half?
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ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
[taking long drag from cigarette] if the blackbox can’t be destroyed then why don’t they just make the whole plane out of the blackbox material
flight attendant: you are absolutely not allowed to smoke in here
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex
fibonacci: absolutely not
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
My son just handed me a note while I was talking on the phone that read “gossip=sin” so anyways I just got owned by a 15 year old.