Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.

Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”

* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.

Dentist:

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.

go easy on yourself <3

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

[doctor’s]

INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?

DR: Your tests are all clear

IM: Is that good?

DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure

IT’S-A ME,

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

I wish this was real life…

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.