[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
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*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
My god she’s good.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.