Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

a public service announcement

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

My little girl will never have daddy issues.

But her future boyfriends will.

When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.

My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary

ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS

1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS

I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.

I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky

satan: not today, microsoft teams

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000

Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

Email: You are invited to a virtual—

Me: Nope.