Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house

Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind

The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them

why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?