Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

My dryer is celebrating lint.

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations

my wife: do u want to hold him

me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious

doctor: put me down

“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?

My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.

Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…

Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?

Nephew: It matches your face!

Me: 😳😳

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.

Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication

Me: Why am I not surprised

Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir