Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks

Dearest Twitter,

Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.

Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.

Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?

Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!

Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…

Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

*does Basic Instinct leg cross*

*remembers I’m wearing jeans*

[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.

Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button

Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears

Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot

Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…

Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed